Many of us harbor a deep desire to adopt a particular identity, often portraying ourselves as something we are not.
For example, I have long dreamed of becoming a surfer. The idea intrigued me so much that I even booked a few weeks of surfing lessons in Costa Rica.
Surfing can be incredibly meditative. It forces you to relinquish control and simply react to the unpredictable ocean.
The nature of surfing is that you cannot control the waves. All you can do is answer them. This encourages a zen-like mindset where you learn to accept whatever comes your way and respond to it with your best effort.
However, despite the request, I soon realized a painful truth: I love more IDeAS of being a surfer rather than actually surfing. The thought of catching the perfect wave is exciting, but the reality involves a lot of crashing, paddling, and exhaustion.
Identity Versus Reality
This dissonance between the appeal of an identity and its reality is something we all face.
Why do we long to adopt these identities? For me, being a surfer was a way to fill a perceived void, a yearning to be a cool, athletic beach bum.
It is important to understand that pursuing an identity is not the same as enjoying the work it entails. This lesson came to me through writing. It’s easy to call yourself a writer, but put in the work and be real BE the writer is another matter. It involves a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.
People always come to me, expressing their desire to become writers. The truth, however, is that many of them are attracted to the idea of being a writer, not the process of writing. They want identity, not work.
3 Ideas That Can Change Your Life
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The Courage to Leave
Acknowledging the disconnect between pursuing an identity and enjoying the activity can be a tough pill to swallow.
I, too, had to face the fact that I did not find surfing fun after spending a considerable amount of money and time on it.
Many of us fall into the trap of adopting an identity, enduring jobs we despise because of the persona they allow us to project. Like the lawyer who hates his job but clings to the successful persona of the lawyer, it’s easy to be afraid to let go of these illusions.
True courage lies in being okay with not knowing who you are or what you want to do.
The Freedom to Leave
So, the question arises:
What are you doing in your life that you don’t love, but you do it because of the image it projects or the persona it creates?
Identifying those areas may lead to the cause of your anxiety, distress, or dysfunction. Such forced identities create unnecessary friction in our lives and often lead us to defensive behaviors to maintain these illusions.
Learning to let go of identities that don’t serve your happiness and fulfillment can be liberating. As Seneca wisely said, a rich man is not a man who has everything, but a man who wants nothing.
The more you want things that don’t really align with you, the less content you will feel. The process of letting go increases your sense of joy and satisfaction.
Realizing that I wasn’t destined to be a “badass surf dude,” I felt a huge sense of relief. I found solace in embracing my true identity as a “nerd behind the computer.”
This realization helped me to shed the heavy facade and accept myself as I am. The key to a rich life is finding joy in the things themselves, not just the identities they give us.
